An Ode to Zoe

Marie sat in the warm light of the morning sun streaming through the large bay windows of her countryside home.  The light gleamed off the ancient photo album in her hands.  She gently turned the browning pages and ran her fingers over the familiar faces of her family.   She read the caption, “ Marie and mother at the waterfall,” scrawled in childish handwriting and tears welled in her eyes.  She had such fond memories of her mother.  For an instant she could see her sitting in the chair next to her, looking sarcastically over the rims of those hideous bifocals.
The moment was shattered by Kevin’s early morning ritual of creating chaos by losing his work and tripping over the dog. “Marie, where is my brief case?  I can’t seem to… OUCH!  Marie! That damn dog did it again.  He bit me.  I told you he would…” His voice had a childlike, shrill tone as he tattled on the dog. He bounced into the living room, ranting and raving, becoming suddenly quiet when he saw his wife sitting on the couch in near tears.   She smiled warmly at him and asked if he needed an ambulance for his leg.  She smirked, light dancing in her eyes, but even Kevin knew there was something she was hiding.  He walked over to her and ran his fingers through her auburn hair.
“Your mother would be so proud of you right now.  Look at all you have accomplished already.  You are a wonderful and beautiful woman, and we both have Edna to thank for that.” He kissed her forehead gently.
“I know,” Marie said, placing her hand on the large bulge in her stomach. “I just wish she was still alive to see this.   It’s her first grandchild.   I wanted her to know that I will be a good mom.”   Both of them glanced down at the faded black and white pictures of Edna.   They were lost in memories of happier times.
Kevin looked up at her, meeting her eyes.  “I have to go.  I’ll be late,” he whispered.  Marie nodded and smiled a more genuine smile this time.  “I have a meeting at 4 o’clock today so I might be late.  Don’t worry about fixing dinner, I’ll pick up some Chinese take-out on my way home.”
“And ice cream and more pickles. We’re out of pickles,” Marie added, brightening at the thought of food.
Kevin nodded. “And ice cream and pickles.  I won’t forget.”  He gathered himself and walked to the door muttering, “Pickles.  I can’t believe we are out of pickles already…” Marie could hear his keys jangling and his feet pounding on the wooden floor as he rushed to get to the office at a decent hour.  He opened the door and casually said goodbye without even realizing it.   It was more of a habit than anything.
“Don’t forget your beeper.  And the cell phone,” she yelled to him as she heard the door slam.  Several seconds later the door open and Kevin walked sheepishly back into the house.
“The cell phone,” he said picking it up off the table and holding it up for her to see.  He glanced at her waist, or rather lack of waist and said smiling, “Do you think it would kill you to wait until after my meeting?”   She laughed and he was gone, the sound of her laughter still ringing delightfully in his ears as he drove to work.

At three-thirty, the cell phone rang.   No more than two seconds later, Kevin’s beeper went off, making him a walking barrage of electronic noise.  He knew it was Marie.  She must have gone into labor.  “Oh, C’mon!” he whined, throwing his hands up into the air.  “Why can’t I catch a break?”  He shook his head despairingly and stared at the office door.   Suddenly it dawned on him this was possibly the most important and amazing day of his life.  And he was standing in his office, staring off into space.  He ran around like a madman, not really accomplishing anything, but certainly looking important and urgent.  He finally directed himself in the general area of the door and miraculously made it to the hospital without breaking any traffic laws.   Well, none of the really important laws, anyway.
The labor was much easier than anyone had expected.   Marie was fully dilated and ready to go in less than four hours.  The baby seemed reluctant to come out and Marie struggled with it for another three hours.  Then the world stopped spinning, the cars stopped in the street and birds halted in midair as the crowded birthing room waited breathlessly to hear that telltale cry.   And did the kid ever cry!  Shivering and trembling, the baby girl screamed until she was red in the face.   Kevin looked somewhat stunned.  He didn’t know if she was cold or angry for being evicted from the only home she had known, or maybe it was a combination of the both.  He took a closer look at her as the nurse cleaned her up and brought her over to Marie, where she nestled against her breast and quieted a bit.
Kevin couldn’t very well have his only daughter be upset with him on her first day in the world. He leaned in very close and stroked her tiny, bald head.   “Hello beautiful,” he sighed. “Where have you been all my life?”  He glanced at the doctors and the nurses smiling proudly at the scene and then said, “Just for the record, it wasn’t my idea to yank you out of there.  It was your mom who did all that pushing.”  Marie slugged him in the arm as a chuckle ran through the room.   Zoe, the newest addition to Marie and Kevin’s life, cooed softly as she drifted off to sleep.   Despite the cold, bright room which was far larger than any other space she had ever experienced, Zoe relaxed, kicking softly as she slept.
It was a strange time for the little, wriggling body.  Gravity suddenly struck in way that is almost indescribable.  She was no longer floating in warmth and found it was much harder to move, although there was much more room for her arms and legs.   Being alone was the most terrifying experience, aside from the sound of her own voice which shook her and scared her to tears.    Unusual sensations of pain mixed with movement wormed its way through her stomach and abdomen.   Hunger was something she never experienced before since she had a constant flow of nutrients from inside her walls of the womb.
It was a lonely and yet exciting for Zoe.   Although she was startled and easily provoked to cry, nothing compared to feeling of her mothers arms wrapped tightly around her or the taste of the sweet milk from her breasts.   She loved the sounds of her father’s voice and comforting movement of being rocked to sleep in the middle of the night.   Zoe had no way of putting together thoughts or using logic and problem solving.   Her world was much simpler than that.  It came down to either feeling safe and cared for or not.   Zoe had two loving parents who cared for her with the utmost concern.

Kevin and Marie lay awake in bed.  Both stared at the ceiling, their bodies tense, ready to move at the slightest sound.   The sound of the clock ticking on the nightstand sounded like timpani drums in the silence of the room.    Almost in unison, they both turned to each other and declared, “Its too quiet.”
“Maybe it’s too soon.  I don’t think she wants to be in her own room.  I think that maybe it’s too soon.  I really think so.”
“Marie, relax,” Kevin scoffed.  He shook the baby monitor.   “I don’t think this thing is working.   She isn’t crying.”  He put his ear up to the speaker and turned the volume on the highest it would go.  “She’s old enough to be in her own room.  We can’t very well have her in here until she’s married.   Why won’t this thing work?!”  Kevin slammed the monitor down and threw the covers aside.   “I’m checking on her.”
Marie was up in an instant.  “I’m coming with you.”   They walked hurriedly down the hall to the next room.   Kevin gingerly opened the door and peeked in.  After a moment, he tip toed over to the crib and looked in, closely followed by Marie.   There Zoe lay in a blissful sleep only truly obtained by babies.   Kevin stood erect and seemed satisfied.   He yawned and turned to go back to bed.   Marie grabbed his arm and held him near the crib.
“Why isn’t she crying?  She’s never spent a night alone before.  Isn’t she scared?” she whispered harshly.
“Marie, she obviously feels safe other wise she would be crying.  She’s a good baby.  Let her sleep.  It would probably do you some good to get some shut-eye too.”
“I can’t sleep.  I just…. I worry and…  I just can’t fall asleep.”
Kevin yawned. “Sure you can.  I’ve seen you do it.”  Marie gave him a dirty look and followed him back into the bedroom.    Zoe slept through the night and continued to do so for many, many nights after that.  She was a very happy child, laughing and cooing, playing with her toes if there weren’t any toys nearby.   Kevin and Marie couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her.

“That’s it!  I’ve had it! Marie!  Zoe won’t eat her supper.  You do it.”
“Are you letting her use the spoon?”
“Of course I am!  Would you stop sewing that stupid shirt and get out here and help me?”
Zoe laughed and threw peas at the dog.   The little cocker spaniel whined and then came closer, wagging its tail.
“Marie!”
“Oh for Pete’s sake.   Relax.   Just let her figure out how to it.   She’s a big girl.  Just help her out when she can’t manage it.”
“Oh, well when you put it that way….  C’mon! I can’t very well scrape it off her hair, now can I?  This is impossible.   That’s it.   She’ll just have to use a bottle for the rest of her….OUCH.  Oh my… The dog bit me.   Again!”
Marie ran out to the kitchen to find her husband and two-year-old daughter in the middle of a tug of war with a spoon.  Peas were scattered about on the floor, some smashed into the cracks of the wooden planks.  The dog sat nearby, his tongue hanging out, seeming to grin at the teeth marks on Kevin’s leg.   Kevin starred incessantly at Zoe.
“I’ll do it.  I swear I will.  I’ll feed you out of a bottle at your Junior Prom. You don’t believe me?  Oh, you just try me, young lady,” Kevin threatened.  Marie burst out laughing at the ridiculous scene before her.   Kevin looked up suddenly, not expecting to see Marie.   He gapped for a while, making motions with his hands to try to explain.  Finally he threw his arms up in frustration and left room grumbling.   Marie chuckled as he passed by him, purposely not mentioning the pea and mashed potato collage on the back of his left shoulder.   She walked over to Zoe who was currently working on her next piece of art – the dog.
Marie sighed and shuffled over to high chair.   She picked up the spoon and glanced over at the mess of a cocker spaniel who was dodging various foods.  “Stop it Zoe,” she said with little enthusiasm.   Zoe’s little fingers reached for the spoon and opened her mouth slightly.   “No, we don’t have time.  You had your chance with your dad and you blew it.  I’ve got things to do so hurry up.  Open up.  That’s a good girl.”  Zoe reluctantly opened her mouth and quietly ate the remainder of her dinner.   She didn’t talk or move until her mother was done.
Marie washed her face and her fingers with a damp towel and turned to throw it away.   She heard a sound like water dripping and looked back at Zoe.   Sitting in the high chair that was to small for a girl her size, Zoe managed to look remarkably small and her face was full of shame.   Marie looked down at the floor and saw a yellow puddle forming beneath the high chair.   Marie slammed the pantry door and yelled for Kevin.  “Your daughter wet herself again.  Would you please take care of her?  I am busy and can’t keep doing the work of two people all the time.”
Kevin emerged from the bathroom with his now stained shirt hanging around his neck.   “I’m sorry, I must have heard you wrong.   When did she become my daughter?   As I recall, you were there in the hospital, too.”   He wrestled with his shirt until he managed to finally get it off his head and threw it on the floor.   “I do plenty of work around here.   But every time I try to do something or to help out, it isn’t good enough and you kick me out.”
“Kick you out?  You don’t even start before you decide you can’t handle it!   You yell at me to come do what ever it is that you don’t want to try.  It’s not fair, Kevin, it’s not fair!”
“No matter what, I can’t reach her,” he said pointing angrily in Zoe’s direction.   “Maybe we had a kid too soon.   It’s all you ever wanted and you never stopped to think if we were ready.” Zoe shrunk in her seat until her head was barely seen over edge of the plastic tabletop.   Her eyes grew large and her chin quivered as her father continued to point at her.
“ME?   You were the one who convinced me this would be a great way to have our name live on.  Generations after us would still know who we were and would carry us into centuries to come,” Marie mimicked Kevin sarcastically.  “That is such a bunch of bull, you know that?”
Zoe whimpered and despite her efforts to be still and quiet, she began crying.  At first it was very soft, almost inaudible amidst the fighting.   Then it grew to sobs until Kevin and Marie stopped fighting and in unison looked at a tiny ball that resembled their daughter.  They exchanged looks, like most parents, that gave the unspoken message to stop.   Marie silently walked over to the pantry and pulled out the mop and bucket.   Kevin rubbed his temples as he watched Marie for a minute and then gently undid the highchair, holding the now dripping Zoe at a safe distance.   Zoe’s tears stopped and she watched her parents with a fearful expression.
It would be a long time before Zoe would be able to successfully use the toilet, longer than most children.  Zoe was a child that only tried new things in private.  She worked at something until she felt it was perfect before she would show anyone.   A drawing or paper that was lacking brought embarrassment to the point where she began to hide her projects or throw them away if anyone asked about them.

“Daddy, you put me in my shirt upside-out,” Zoe complained.
“What? I…. Oh,” Kevin turned from the newspaper and carefully inspected Zoe’s shirt.  “Well, I guess I did,” he laughed.   He playfully pulled it off, taking the opportunity to tickle her armpits while her head was stuck inside the shirt.  She giggled, delighted at the unexpected fun.  He put it back on correctly and tousled her hair.  “Ready kiddo?”
Zoe nodded.  Suddenly, her face lit up as she gasped and ran back to her room.   Kevin chuckled and thought to himself how strange little kids were.  Zoe returned with the cocker spaniel in her arms, wriggling with discomfort.   Zoe grunted as she tried to position the dog better.
“Can we take Huggins with us?  He wants to see the amminals, too,” she said, mispronouncing the word animal.  Huggins was a name she had adopted for the little dog.  Neither Marie nor Kevin knew where she got the name.  As long as they had had the dog, no name was given to it.
“Uh, I don’t think  ‘Huggins’ would really like it,” he said, glancing at his watch.  “We should probably get going.”
“Why?” Zoe asked innocently.
“Otherwise we will be late.”
Zoe frowned at the dog.  The little cocker spaniel panted, hanging his tongue out the side of his mouth.   “Huggins make us late?”
Kevin looked at her vaguely.   “Noooo,” he said slowly.  “You will make us late.  Lets go.”
“Are we going to drive there?”
“Yup.”
“How come we can’t take our bikes?”
“Its too far, kiddo.”
“How far is it?”
Kevin hung his head and sighed.  He had only made it two steps to the door.  “Far,” he said opening the door and ushering Zoe into the car and began belting her in.
“How far, daddy?”
It was going to be a long ride.

Footsteps pounded through the hallways, breaking the early morning silence.  “Mom,” Zoe yelled, “where is the rest of my science project?  I need it today for the display!  I can’t find it….  Stupid dog get out of the way,” she muttered to herself.  She crashed into the bedroom where Marie laid with the covers pulled tightly over her head.    “Mo-om,” Zoe whined.
“Zoe, stop stomping around like a wild bull.  Maybe if you put your things away you wouldn’t have this problem,” Marie scolded, pushing the covers off her head.
Kevin popped his head in the room as he tried to adjust his tie.  “Marie, have you seen my brief case?” he asked.  Marie threw her hands up in defeat and retreated under the covers.  Kevin and Zoe exchanged puzzled looks and then left to finish getting ready.
Marie heard the front door open and close.  She bolted up in bed as she suddenly remembered something.  “Kevin!” she yelled loudly.  “Don’t forget we have parent/teacher conferences tonight!”  She waited quietly for a response.  The house was completely silent.  She sighed and tried to fall back to sleep.
Later that night, Kevin and Marie walked into the fourth grade classroom with Zoe in tow.  She had complained the whole way there about coming.  She had no reason to sit and listen to her teacher criticize her in front of her parents.   She proudly walked over to the display case where her science project stood, a blue ribbon hanging gracefully off to the side.    Marie guided her with her hand over to the chairs by Mrs. Chatlosh sat, glancing over her bifocals.    Zoe stubbornly stood at the display case with her eyes fixed on the blue ribbon.
“Zoe,” Mrs. Chatlosh said sweetly.  “Why don’t you run down to the library and find that book on dinosaurs that you are so fond of.”   Zoe didn’t need to be asked twice.  She practically ran out the door and down the hall.
“Hello, Kevin.  Marie,” she said scooting closer.  “I hope you don’t mind.  I wanted to talk to you privately about Zoe.  Her grades are fluctuating drastically.  I have noticed that her homework is much better than her in-class work.  I suspected that she might be cheating.” Kevin and Marie exchanged worried looks.  “Not to worry, though, I tested her by herself during recess and she did phenomenal.”  Mrs. Chatlosh pulled two pieces of paper out of her folder.  “I gave her the test privately…. Here it is.  Notice the high score.  Well, two days later, I gave the entire class the same test, including Zoe.  None of the questions were changed and it looked exactly the same.  Look at how low the score was.”  The couple examined the two tests for quite some time.  Finally Marie spoke up.
“What does this mean?  Zoe is obviously smart, I mean, look at how well she did on her science project.  What exactly are you trying to tell us?”  Marie looked skeptical as she awaited an answer.
Mrs. Chatlosh took a deep breath and said, “I think something, or rather someone, may be bothering Zoe in school.   She doesn't have many friends.  She will be working along fine, doing just great, and then all of a sudden, she snaps.  I have trouble finding children who want to be her partner or sit by her.”  The look of concern on Mrs. Chatlosh’s face was a sincere one and the couple honestly felt scared.
“What should we do?” Kevin asked quietly.
“Talk to her.”  The answer was simple, but easier said than done.
The ride home was a silent one.  Zoe sat in the back sit, examining her grades.   She was happy with the B’s and C’s that she had received.  She felt a twinge of tension in the car and wondered if her parents were as please about her grades as she was.  She guessed they were not.
At home, Zoe bounded into bed.  She curled up under the blanket and groped under her pillow for her secret stash of horror books.  The door opened and she guilty sat up, trying to hide the books with her body.  Her mother didn’t seem to notice.  Marie sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Zoe with her soft, blue eyes.
“Zoe, is anything bothering you?”
Zoe hesitated and subconsciously glanced at the books beneath her pillow.  Was she busted?  She would have to play her cards very carefully.
“No,” she said slowly.  “Why do you ask?”
 “Your teacher seemed to think that you were having problems in school.  Social problems.  Do you not get along with the kids? I thought you liked your class.”
Zoe breathed a sigh of relief.  Her stash was safe.  She purposely turned away from her mother and lay down as if to go to bed.  She didn’t want her mother to see the look on her face.   “I’m fine,” she said unconvincingly.
“I don’t think you are.”  Marie sat on the edge of the bed and refused to budge until she could just barely hear the soft sound of sobs coming from the pillow.  Zoe’s little body heaved with each tearful release.  Marie stroked her hair and let Zoe get it out of her system.  After what seemed like an eternity, she said gently, “Why don’t you tell me about it.”
Zoe sat up, tear stains covering her chin and snot running out of her nose.  She wiped her face off with the sleeve of her pajamas and tried to gather herself.  Finally, with a hung head and a quivering voice, she told her mother the thing that caused her to be so troubled.
“Nobody in school likes me.  They all think I’m ugly and one girl called me queer.   Everybody makes fun of my freckles and my hair ‘cuz it’s reddish,” Zoe complained.  Tears began welling up in her eyes again as she spoke but she still continued.   “I hate school.  I don’t ever want to go back.  And I hate Mrs. Chatlosh.  She never does anything.  She just sits there and watches it happen.”
Marie looked at Zoe and asked, “Zoe, do you like yourself?”
Zoe glanced up, surprised by the unusual question and then hung her head again and mumbled, “No.”   Marie nodded and left Zoe’s room.   Zoe’s eyes widened with fear as she thought she had somehow done something wrong, somehow had disappointed her mom so much that she had to leave.   To her relief, Marie returned with a book in her hand.  She sat down on the edge of the bed and handed it to Zoe.
“Its Pippi Longstocking.  It’s about a girl, much like yourself, who has freckles and red hair and a monkey and a horse….” Her voice drifted off, letting Zoe’s imagination take over.  “She is very much like you, except for one thing.   Pippi likes herself.”  Marie kissed Zoe’s forehead, told her she loved her, and left the room.
Marie popped her head through the door a minute later and said, “You don’t have to give it back, either.  You can keep it with the rest of your stash,” and the closed the door.

“Oh dear god have mercy,” Marie sputtered under her breath.  Her eyes widened as the monstrosity got closer.  Zoe, unaware of her mothers distressed looks, pranced down the stairs with her head held high, confident that she looked great.   Dark crimson lipstick clung to her lips like a hideous growth.  Her eyes were darkened with black and gray eyeliner, making her normally dancing eyes appear to have a permanent scowl.  A silver star shined like a spot light on the corner of her left eye.   Her dirty gray tang top seemed to drain the life out of the elegant black beaded skirt Marie had bought for her.  She noticed, to her great horror, that Zoe had messily sewn on a patch depicting the logo of some new band.
Zoe ran straight into Kevin as she bounded into the living room.  Kevin’s reaction was similar to Marie’s, although he did a good job of hiding it.  “You looked dressed up tonight Zoe,” he said diplomatically.   He looked her up and down cooly.  Zoe pretended not to notice.
“My friends will pick me up in fifteen minutes,” Zoe said loudly, despite the fact that Marie and Kevin were perfectly aware of the situation.   Zoe looked down at her discarded driver’s license sitting on the kitchen table.  She scoffed out loud, thoroughly frustrated.   It seemed pointless to have a license if she didn’t have a car to use it with.  Being the only eighteen-year-old without a car hadn’t exactly helped her reputation.
Zoe fixed her already perfect hair in the mirror.  She stared at herself, deep in thought, and let her hand slowly drop.  Her eyes stood fixed on her red hair.  She had actually thought of dying it black or possibly blue, but she decided she liked her hair too much to mess with it.
Loud thumping music announced the arrival of Zoe’s best friend, Troy, and his girlfriend, Jamie.   The bass pounded through the car exterior until it reached the windows in the house, making them rattle and shake.  Zoe grabbed her well-worn bag and left the house without saying goodbye.
“Well, that was…. different,” said Marie without needing to.  It was obvious they were both thinking the same thing.   Kevin sat down in the comfy armchair and sighed.  He shook his head and opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out.  He just shook his head again and read the front page of yesterdays newspaper for the fifth time.
The front door suddenly exploded open and Kevin just about leapt out of his chair.   Zoe ran through the house and up to her room, where she slammed the door shut.  Downstairs, Marie sat in with her hand over her heart, still shocked by the sudden burst.  It wasn’t long before the hard core music screamed its way through the otherwise quiet house.  The couple guessed something had gone amiss with her friends.
“I hate that music,” Kevin scowled, rubbing his temples.
“She’s finding herself,” Marie said almost sarcastically.  It was a catch phrase that was constantly being said between the two in an effort to give their daughter the benefit of the doubt.
“I know,” Kevin responded in the same singsong voice.  “Why can’t she find herself somewhere else.”
The loud music continued for several hours, long into the night.  Marie and Kevin tried their best to ignore it, remembering their own teen years.  Of course, Zoe wasn’t exactly following the footsteps of either of her parents.  In high school, Marie had been concentrated on her schoolwork and was quite the social bug.  She had dated several boys and was absolutely bursting with school spirit.  Kevin, too, had school spirit, as he was active in a variety of sports.  He was considered to be very popular, especially amongst the girls.   Zoe, on the other hand, didn’t date much.  She kept to herself and hung out mostly with Troy and Jamie.  The three had been friends ever since their freshman year of high school.  Zoe loathed school spirit and rarely got involved with anything extra circular unless she was forced to.   She came home, did her homework and painted.  Her artwork was unsurpassable.  It was one thing she was really proud of.
Heavy footsteps padded down the steps.  Kevin and Marie exchanged a look and returned to what they were doing as Zoe slowly emerged in the living room.
“Troy made an announcement tonight,” she said matter of factly, not caring whether or not her parents were interested.  “My best friend is gay.  And his girlfriend thinks its great.”  She shook her head and looked up and the ceiling.  “You know, Troy and I have been friends for four years now.  You would think there would have been some signs or something.  You would think that he would have told me sooner.  You would think, wouldn’t you?  I just wish he would’ve said something.  I would have understood…..”  Her voice trailed off and she turned and went back upstairs not waiting for a response.
Marie’s eyebrows arched as she looked to Kevin with a shocked expression.  There was no telling how Zoe might react to this.  Marie wondered if Kevin would even permit Zoe to spend time with Troy anymore since he had always felt homosexuality was wrong.   Kevin got up to leave and have a talk with Zoe, but Marie stopped him before he could even get near to the steps.
“She’s old enough to start deciding what she values now.   We have to trust that she will do the right thing, even if we don’t think it’s the right thing.”  Marie urged. She seemed to convince Kevin and he sat down without a word.  She just wished she could convince herself that easily.
Zoe felt completely lost and dead to the world.  Everything was coming crashing down on her. School had been a struggle and not only academically.  It was hard to make friends and she knew that dating was out of the question because she wasn’t popular enough to be noticed.  Although she was intelligent, she didn’t have motivation.  The only thing that really motivated her was Troy.  He seemed to bring the artist and intellectual out of her in a way that would be so fun and exciting, she wouldn’t even realize what she was doing.  She trusted Troy with her secrets and dreams.  And now her entire world was completely turned upside down.  She didn’t know whether to angry or scared or hurt or even happy.  In fact, it was so difficult to muck through her feelings and emotions, she barely felt at all.
Stress had become as reliable as the sun rising.  If it wasn’t a major issue with a teacher, it was a college scholarship that didn’t come through.  Everywhere she turned, it felt like reality just melted away at her fingertips.  It was a very insecure feeling.
In a week, Zoe began packing her things in little cardboard boxes.  She decided not to think about it anymore but to just do.  It was time for her to live on her own.  She would need the space and the extra time to think.  Maybe she could make new friends, friends that were honest with her.  Of course, she still thought of Troy as her best friend, but her heart literally hurt when she thought of how dishonest he had been to both her and Jamie.   Her little apartment was quaint, small to say the least, but in a world of uncertainty, it was completely hers.

Zoe groaned as she dropped her bag on the end table and tossed her keys in a little basket off to the side.  She turned on the light switch and a large lamp illuminated the small apartment, chasing the shadows of dusk away.  She rubbed her neck and kicked of her brown high heels.  Collapsing in the plush couch, Zoe made a mental note to start wearing flats to work.  Far from the wardrobe of her teen years, Zoe wore more tailored corporate wear that better suited her work as a office clerk at the Hogens, Palmer and Gile law firm.   She made a steady enough income, one that at least fit her means of living.  Rain pounded on the window behind her as the skies darkened.  Zoe unconsciously closed her eyes as the steady pounding put her to sleep.
RRRING!  Zoe bolted up, started and confused.  She realized that she must have fallen asleep.  RRRING!  She frantically searched for her portable phone, throwing discarded clothing and old newspapers into the air until she finally found it wedge between two cushions in her couch.
“Yes,” she answered breathlessly.
“Hey, Babe.  Couldn’t find the phone again?”  Zoe smiled.  She loved it when Allan called her babe.   It made her feel special in a way.  She relaxed on the couch and put her feet up.
“Oh, Allan, its you.  I was afraid it was my parents.  I’ve been living on my own for five years now.  You’d think they would trust that I can take care of myself by now.”  She sighed.  “So, what’s up with you on this rainy Wednesday night?”
There was a long pause.
“Funny, that’s exactly what I was going to ask you.  Did something come up that is preventing you from calling me?  We had our date to night, remember?”  Allan sounded only slightly irritated.  He rarely got upset or angry.
“Oh my God!” Zoe cried as she covered her mouth.  “I don’t know why I forgot!  I was so tired and when I came home I must have just fallen asleep,” Zoe rambled, her voice rising dramatically.
“Zoe, it’s not that big of a…” he interrupted.  But Zoe continued to ramble.
“Never, in the three years that we have been dating, have I ever missed a date or forgot.  I am so sorry!”
“ZOE!”  Allan cried.
“Wha…?I… Did you say something?”  Zoe sounded rather perplexed.
“Look, don’t worry about it, Babe.”  Zoe smiled. She loved the sound of his voice “Just put your hair up, wear that little black dress that I am so found of and meet me at the front door of your apartment building in forty-five minutes.  Ok?”  Allan spoke in a way that told Zoe he was smiling.
“Yeah, okay.  But lets make it twenty minutes,” she said playfully.  “I want to make for lost time.”
“Ok, twenty minutes then.”  CLICK.  Zoe smiled to her self and stood in the living room, still holding the phone in her hand for a few moments.  So this is what it’s like to feel happy, she thought to herself.  She accidentally caught her reflection in the mirror next to the door and was surprised to find that she felt she looked pretty. It had been a while since a smile like that had been painted on her face and the lights had been turned on in her eyes.   She raced to get ready, making sure that she had met every one of Allan’s requests.
The rain outside had started coming down heavier and Zoe stood shivering the doorway of her apartment building.  Thunder crashed above her and instinctively looked heavenward.  Just then, Allan drove up in his blue car.  He jumped out and ran to her even before the car came to a complete stop.  She smiled, sincerely, and looked in his eyes.  There was something different about him tonight, something she couldn’t put her finger on.  Neither one said a word as they raced to the car and got in, dodging raindrops as best they could on the way.
They drove, still silent, through the shinning streets.  The windshield wipers squeaked across the window, making it just barely visible for Allan.  Zoe loved to be with him.  She never seemed to worry about her makeup or her hair.  She didn’t feel like she had to prove anything to him.
Allan finally brought the car to a stop in a secluded area that Zoe knew well.  She turned to him, full of anticipation.  It was already a very unusual night.
Allan had a look of complete seriousness as he fidgeted to get comfortable.  “I have something….important I  feel I should really tell you, Zoe.”  The smile on Zoe’s face became less intense. She didn’t like the sound of his voice.  Allan continued, “Before you react, I just want you to think about how difficult this is for me to say.  Not because I don’t trust you,” he added hurriedly, waving his hands, “but this is important to me and I don’t want you to take it lightly.  Ok?”  Zoe nodded, expressionless.
“Zoe,” he said taking a deep breath, “You are my best friend.   I tell you everything.  I share my secrets and my dreams with you.  I don’t want that to change.”  He hesitated and then added, “No matter what.”
Something about the situation seemed so familiar.  A chill was starting to develop in the car and Zoe shivered although she wasn’t cold.  Suddenly, she realized what was about to happen.
“Oh my God,” she moaned, covering her face. “ Why?  Why does this have to happen?”  Allan looked at her inquisitively, not understanding what she meant.  Tears began to well up in her eyes.  “You’re gay, aren’t you?” she asked, her voice shaking.  “You brought me out her tonight to tell me you are gay.  Just admit it, Allan.”  She turned away from him not wanting to look at his face.  What she didn’t see was a look of utter confusion.
“Zoe….No.  I brought you out here to ask you to marry me, not to tell you that I’m… gay,” he said whispering the last word as if it were a swear word. It took Zoe a minute to realize what was being said. .  The rain fell on the car windshield, making a transparent waterfall that flowed smoothly over the hood of the car.  She turned to him, wiping her eyes foolishly, and saw that Allan was staring at her with the most indescribable expression on her face.
“Ummm…Ok,” she said sheepishly.  The corners of her mouth were slightly upturned as she tried to retain some dignity of the moment by surpressing her laughter.  But oddly enough, it was Allan who burst out in a deep, throaty laugh that filled the entire car.
“You never fail to surprise me, Zoe,” he chuckled.  “And I guess that’s what I love most about you.”  He reached over as he was talking and caressed her face with his hand.  He pulled her to him and kissed her passionately.

Zoe tenderly placed her arm around Allan and walked with him to the front of the Funeral Home.  Out of the corner of her eye she watched Allan for some sign of emotion.  His face was rock hard.  They reached the casket and looked in at Allan’s mother.  She was a petite woman with the most amazing eyes Zoe had ever seen.  She loved Allan and adored making pies and cakes for the couple.  Zoe regretted never really expressing what an excellent grandmother Beatrice was to Damon, her son.
Allan placed his hand on the edge of the casket, as he suddenly felt weak looking down at his deceased mother.   A single tear ran down his frozen face and Zoe was reminded of an icicle the dripped in the light of the afternoon sun.  She knew he was dying inside and it killed her not to be able to stop it.  Worse than losing a loved one was being unable to reach the one standing right next to you.
Damon tugged on Zoe’s skirt and put his arms up as if to say Hold me.  His face was one of an apprehensive little boy.  Zoe picked him up and held him close to her.  He turned his head inward so that her neck protected his face and her hair created a reddish net that covered him securely.
Zoe silently touched Allan’s hand and motioned that she was leaving.  He nodded, waited a moment, and then followed her out to the car.  Zoe was already put Damon in the car seat when he reached her.  He watched her gentle ease Damon into the seat and buckle him up, playing with him simultaneously so that he wouldn’t get fussy.  He realized just how much he loved her right then.
On the drive home, Allan turned to Zoe and said, “I am so afraid of death right now.  What if something was to happen to you or I?  Or what if,” he lowered his voice, “what if something happened to Damon?  I don’t understand it.  I just….it doesn’t seem natural.”
Zoe looked at him intensely as he talked, the concern apparent on her face.   “Allan, death is something we all have to face.  The survivors support each other, but we each face the possibility alone.”  As an after thought, she added, “I love you and I know you love me.  I can die happy.”  Allan nodded and stared at the road ahead, not really seeing anything.
“I’m going to donate my bonus check to the American Heart Association.  They were so helpful in explaining why these things kept happening to Mom.  I want them to be able to find ways to stop it from happening to others.  Other people just shouldn’t have to…” His voice quivered and trailed off as the spoken words became to difficult.
Zoe immediately jumped in.  “Now that I am only working part time, I thought I might volunteer at the hospital.  I was thinking of working in the recovery room for heart surgery patients.”  Allan looked at her lovingly and nodded in approval.  He knew that Zoe saw how important this was and that she would do her part to make a difference.
Damon cooed in the back seat and Allan looked at him through the rear view mirror.  At least I leave behind a legacy when I go, he thought to himself.

“Mom,” Damon said loudly.  “Mom?  It’s me, Damon.  I thought I would stop by on my way to work.”  A very old Zoe sat hunched over in the plastic orange chair that was standard in every room in the nursing home.  “Mom?  Can you hear me, Mom?” Damon asked, raising his voice.
Her now dull eyes slowly scanned the room until she saw Damon.  The realization didn’t hit her for a minute as she had trouble recognizing people.  She finally smiled and motioned with her, frail arthritic hand for Damon to come closer.   His face was bushy with a full mustache and beard that his wife had insisted he grow.    It made him look older than his twenty-six years.   He didn’t like being so young and having his mother in a nursing home, but after his father had died, she lost it and he didn’t have the energy, physically or emotionally to take care of her.
Zoe knew what a burden she must have been on Damon.  Still, she was lost in the past, memories of her and Allan together, doing the things they loved.  She had very few regrets although it was hard for her to make that clear.   She spent such a long time not saying anything, not doing anything, that she wasn’t quiet sure how to start up again.
Zoe patted the carpet of hair that clothed Damon’s face and remarked sweetly, “My, you look just like your father today.”  Her face changed as she spoke, a tiny spark of life seemed to shine through and then it was gone.
Damon chuckled.  “You say that everyday I come, Mom.”  Sitting down on the bed next to her chair, he held her hand and looked into her eyes.  “Mom, I wanted to come by and talk to you for a special reason today.  Kathy is pregnant.  I’m going to be a father.”  He waited on the edge of the bed, full of anticipation for her response.
Zoe squealed in delight.  “Oh that’s wonderful, Damon.   I remember when you were born.  It was the best day of my life.  You made us so happy, your father and I.   I hope you have the same happiness that I did.”
“Weren’t you scared?”
“Of course I was scared!  But that’s what makes life worth living.  If it weren’t for all the unexpected turns and sudden drops, the ride would get boring.”  Zoe looked out the window and Damon could tell by the expression on her face that she was thinking about something that happened a long time ago.  “I made my mistakes,” she continued.  “We all make our mistakes.”  She turned back to him, pointed her finger and squinted her eyes as she spoke. “The trick, my boy, the trick is to not have regrets.  What happened, happened.  There is no going back.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and have a second chance in life and maybe you won’t.  Either way, you must live life with passion.  Take a chance and be willing to live with it.”  She paused and studied him for a moment.  “Life,” she scarcely whispered, “It’s a beautiful thing.”
Damon never forgot those words, as he was the last one to hear her speak before she passed away.   Zoe had left her legacy that day in the hearts of anyone willing to listen to her.
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Mellowing
Jenny Schultz

MELLOWING
Angie Olson

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Life Cycle Sketch
By: Sarah Heritage

George Harley
A Study in Mellowing

Students take their turn at providing some therapeutic suggestions for a young man suffering from a serious lack of self-esteem.  Below is the work of Amber Sedgwick, who looks at Tyrone Barnes, from the outside in..........